I've waited 18 years to vote... and this is what I get?

Can I ask a very, very sincere question?

Does anyone see 2008 turning out well?

I feel like someone needs to say this now, while we still have time.

A. The Democrats fail to find one candidate that is electable, and scatter, as they seem to be so prone to doing. The Republicans win. The second Patriot Act is enacted upon a helpless body politic by President Giuliani under the War Powers Act. The Constitution, Bill of Rights, and all 17 other Amendments to the Constitution are replaced by a further modified "Patriot Act" and the country known as America ceases to exist.

B. The Democrats defeat precedent set by the past two elections, and actually manage to unite under one flag and take the White House. That one flag is Hillary, of course, and she carries out her promise to have us out of Iraq by 2013. But LOSES the 2012 election to Giuliani because, as future Giuliani will put it: "We gave the Democrats a chance to resolve Iraq, they couldn't even lose properly, now let's do this the American way."

C. George Bush jumps the gun and pulls emergency powers on November 1st of 2008 because of "newly found, definitive proof of Iran's possesion of nuclear weapons and their intention to use them upon the American people."

well, letter C is entirely probable, but for the sake of this piece, irrelevant. Let's suggest for one second that the Republicans fumble the election and give us the shot we need at the president's office, okay?

So, that means uniting. That means every Democrat setting down their differences and uniting to destroy the past eight years of American social, economic, and foreign policy. The way I see it, that leaves Hillary.

But, guys, and here's where people might disagree with me, I don't think Hillary's going to be significantly better.

Hillary seems like a politicker. A compromiser. She plays to win, but at what cost? Nothing about her seems presidential, and I don't say that because she's a woman. I think Segolene Royale, Maria Cantwell, and Barbara Boxer look plenty more presidential than Mrs. Clinton. I say it because she's done nothing to reassure me that we can make this country a better place. I have no faith.

Conversely, some would suggest Obama as a possible candidate. But he also makes me nervous. Now please don't get me wrong, I've been a supporter of Obama since the day I stood on the floor of the convention and watched Obama talk about a unified country. He spoke not of Democrats and Republicans, but of Americans. I liked that.

The other day it occurred to me I didn't really have any idea what I was supporting, though, so I did some googling.

Turns out I don't know because it's really friggin' hard to tell. Barack, in my opinion, doesn't politick the way Hillary does, but he does keep things vague and idealistic, which ends up pleasing a lot of Americans, but cheating them of answers they need.

So I guess what I had decided is that when I step into the voting booth for the first time in my life and am confronted with the choice between Hillary and Obama, I'll have to make a very difficult choice.

And pull the Kucinich lever.

My entire generation dislikes Dennis Kucinich because he kind of resembles an elf. He also, as it happens, feel strongly about a number of issues, and is vocal of his convictions. And he also happens to agree with me on a lot of issues.

Kucinich is no fringe radical. He's a true Democrat. He believes many of the things we used to. But in the past 8 years the Bush Administration has dragged the political spectrum so far to the right that we've lost any sense of perspective.

Old people: ask yourself what you would have wanted eight years ago. Ask yourself the kind of person you were, before the Bush Administration rubbed "terror" in your face until it bled. I think a lot of people would find Dennis reflects a more true American spirit than anyone is willing to admit.

But he looks like an elf.



It's time for you to decide whether you can make the mature, grown up, decision, because if not, you're going to leave a really disgusting world for my generation to clean up.

Now departing 2007. Welcome to 1984.

Okay, so I just got back from Maine, where I was visiting colleges.

Everything went very well, except for one thing.

My hair was frizzy and gross.

This woman and I had a lot in common.

Now, one might think this is inconsequential, but that’s what THEY want you to think.

We’ll get to the “THEY” in a sec, I just need to satisfy my shtick first:

I had frizzy hair, so I was nervous, and I looked like a crazed asylum escapist to my interviewer. In short, frizzy hair sucks.

So, Max, why is it that your obviously untrendy hair is the subject matter of this particular blog post?

Hm, that’s a good question, hypothetical reader, maybe because the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT is singlehandedly responsible for ripping my faithful shampoo and cream rinse from my pallid little hands and crushing it under military boot.

OK… so I leave my mom at the security checkpoint. That makes sense… we don’t want anyone who isn’t flying in the gate area, right? I’m busy making puppy eyes and waving goodbye while waiting on the line, so I don’t notice the hundreds of millions of ridiculous signs around me.

Suddenly, a guy I’d describe as “not warm and fuzzy” is stabbing me with eyeballs obviously hardened in Guantánamo, demanding I, ahem, here we go:

1. Remove my shoes.
2. Remove my jacket.
3. Remove my belt.
4. Empty my pockets.
5. Take any large electronics out of my bag.
6. Retain my boarding pass.
7. Retain my Identification.
8. Keep any unshot film with me.
9. Move quickly.

So, while I’m dancing on one foot, playing music plastic bins, and getting to, like, second base with the security guard, I begin to get a little frustrated.

I somehow throw myself through the metal detector, which, magically, doesn’t declare me to be Osama Bin Laden junior, as all the guards seemed to hope it would. I didn’t forget anything.

Now I’m waiting on the other end, with everything in my hands, and bags spilling out of the machine.

My camera makes it through, but they demand to swab it, as they always do. I’ve decided I don’t care, though, since jokes on them, I don’t have to clean it myself!

And my other bag comes through, I grab it, and begin to hobble over to the nearest seat, conveniently located 9000 feet away.

But then, suddenly, a latex claw grasps my arm and a bodaciously big lady says, “WHERE DUH YUH THINK YUR GOWN?” In response, I immediately pee my pants.

Okay… so I didn’t, but I was startled, for sure.

Then, as if she were commanded by God himself to do it, she rips my bag open, and plunges her latexed claw in, digging, drilling, puncturing. She brings her spiked appendage out, triumphant.

AHA! SADDAM 2.0! LOOKY HERE!

A fricken toiletries bag.

“And what did you think you were doing with this, young man?”

The number of wry, hygiene related puns that fleeted upon me at that moment was overwhelming.

Yet, I still responded with “Uhhmmmmmmmmm…”

And so, the bag was opened, the shampoo thrown out on the table, and the bag thrown beside it.

“These MUST be checked sir”. Echoed across the security area, and I wanted to fall to the floor in shame. I had obviously betrayed my country, how could I live on?

I had somehow missed two more commandments in addition to the nine above.

10. No liquids in bottles larger than 1/2 a quart. (or something like that)
11. Remove all toiletries from bags.

Ultimately, she decided NOT to strip search me in a backroom, and settled for making me throw out my sundried hair cleaning products.

That being said, even the environmental aspect of making people throw out things like that is just disgusting.

Is this what our country has become?

If so, ladies and gentlemen, this is a real freaking problem.

This is how civil liberties die. Little by little. First it’s our shoes, then our shampoo. What’s next? When does the government decide not to allow carry-ons OR checked baggage? “Items required for use at destination must be purchased upon arrival or shipped directly via mail. This is for the safety of all Americans. Baggage compartments offer a striking vulnerability in the security of all aircraft. Thank you for doing your patriotic duty. God Bless America.”

I get that I’m making a fuss about something not that important, but we must draw the line somewhere. We must decide when too much is enough. 10 years ago, I think it would have been drawn at when we need to keep our toiletries in ZIP LOC bags of PRECISELY one quart in size.

When old men are being searched in their wheelchairs.

When toddlers are forced to walk through metal detectors alone.

When a woman has to drink her own breastmilk.


Security is important. Security from without. But what is far more important, and what we’re far less capable of enforcing under this barbaric administration, is security from within.

Civil disobedience is American. It’s how we stay American.

It's time to remember that.